Why Some People Cross the Personal Boundaries of Others?

You have the right to set boundaries, and others should respect them. While some people seem to understand appropriate limits intuitively, others struggle to maintain them or repeatedly overstep the boundaries of others. This Healthy Boundary Setting series discusses how strong personal boundaries are critical for healthy relationships.

Boundaries allow us to separate our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviours from those of others. They also help preserve our sense of self-esteem and identity. On the other hand, when our personal limits are violated, we may feel resentful, angry, and used.

In this article, we will explore the motivations behind boundary-crossing behaviours. We will also look at examples of violations, discuss the importance of maintaining boundaries, and provide tips for proactively setting effective limits in your relationships.

Why Healthy Boundaries Matter

Setting clear, healthy boundaries is crucial for preserving your dignity and self-respect in relationships. Knowing your limits and being able to voice them enables you to reduce stress and anxiety caused by situations where you feel pressured or uncomfortable. Healthy boundaries empower you to communicate your needs and wants clearly to others. This prevents manipulation and mistreatment by those who might try to take advantage of unclear or broken boundaries to meet their own needs at your expense.

Enforcing healthy boundaries also helps you identify the unhealthy boundaries in relationships where the other person repeatedly ignores or disrespects your right to safety and comfort. Violations that continue even after you restate your limits clearly signal a problematic relationship. On the other hand, people who respect your stated boundaries make for relationships that feel secure and comfortable. In this manner, clearly set boundaries help attract people who respect your needs while filtering out those who do not.

What Drives People Who Don’t Respect Boundaries?

In our lives, we come across different people whose ways of being, values or upbringing may differ from ours. Sometimes, these people cross our boundaries. At times, it is obvious; other times, it is a settled sense of discomfort telling us that something in that interaction was not quite right. Our feelings help us understand the world around us and protect us from potential harm. Therefore, it is worth looking into those uncomfortable feelings and unveiling the motivations of others to disregard our limits.

There might be several factors that can motivate a person to violate boundaries. Here is a list of the most common ones:

Boredom or Excitement Seeking

Firstly, some people may cross boundaries because they feel bored. To change it, they might engage in thrill-seeking behaviours to gain new experiences or emotions. Moreover, at times, crossing a boundary is a thrill in itself. Such behaviours help them escape what they feel is a monotonous or uninteresting life. However, in doing so, they may ignore social norms and disrespect other people’s boundaries.

These reckless behaviours may involve overstepping the line in various ways, from mild pranks to severe encroachments of personal space.

For instance, consider a thrill-seeker performing risky acts, like dangerous driving or stunts. Such behaviour could potentially infringe upon others’ physical safety boundaries.

In an online setup, for example, on social media platforms, a person may cyberstalk or troll online for the thrill or power it brings. However, by doing this, they disregard other users’ online space and privacy and overstep their emotional boundaries.

In these instances, the common thread is the pursuit of a thrill and excitement. However, it’s crucial to note that such behaviour at the expense of others can lead to serious consequences. It can damage relationships, harm one’s reputation, and sometimes lead to legal issues. Therefore, it’s so important that we seek healthy, respectful ways to counteract boredom and seek novelty. You may achieve it by, for example, pursuing hobbies or volunteering in your community.

Lack of Self-Awareness

Secondly, some people are not aware of their own boundaries. They lack self-awareness around their attitudes, feelings, behaviours, and perceptions. This gap in self-awareness can greatly impact how they interact with others. It might also lead to unintentional boundary crossing.

If you came across such people, you may find these behaviours familiar:

Communication Monopolisers

Team Member A: “I liked how we conducted the last project stages, especially the collaboration…”

Team Member B (monopoliser): “Absolutely, and you know, this reminds me of another project I did last year where…”

The lack of self-awareness can impact their communication style and create misunderstanding or tension. To see my point, picture a person who unknowingly monopolises conversations, interrupts others, or neglects to listen. When doing so, they may mistakenly view their behaviour as friendly and outgoing while being oblivious to the discomfort or annoyance it might cause others.

Physical Boundary Crossers

Have you ever been in this situation?

A colleague at work hugs you before you can react: “Oh, come on! Give me a hug! I have not seen you for a while.”

People lacking self-awareness might also struggle to set or understand their physical boundaries. This may also lead to misunderstanding others’ boundaries. They might overstep into someone else’s physical space or share overly personal information. This can make other people uncomfortable and even damage relationships.

Missing Social Cues

Imagine a conversation between two colleagues, Person A and Person B, in the office space.

Person A: (Looks clearly upset, avoids eye contact) “I’m just having a tough day, you know.”

Person B: (ignoring the signs of distress) “Well, anyway, did you see the game last night?”

In this scenario, Person B misses several social cues that indicate Person A is going through a difficult time and is possibly not in the mood for casual conversation.

As you can see, the lack of self-awareness can lead to an inability to recognise social cues effectively. A person may inadvertently ignore signs of discomfort or unease in others. This means they may continue to overstep boundaries without knowing they’re doing so.

Strained Relationships

A lack of self-awareness can strain relationships. You may feel disrespected or unheard if you are on the receiving end. This may also lead to low self-esteem, resentment, discomfort, and conflict.

So, what can you do to address it?

If you notice that others get frustrated with you sometimes, and you do not quite know why, you might be a boundary crosser. In this case, gaining self-awareness is key to better understanding yourself and respecting boundaries. The quickest way to gain self-awareness is by reflecting on your actions and feelings. You can also seek feedback from others and work on improving your emotional intelligence. You may also consider professional help, such as counselling or therapy. This would help you achieve a greater degree of self-awareness.

Personality Disorders (PD)

Personality Disorders are a massive area of study. In short, the 3 Ps characterise personality disorders: persistent (PD is inflexible and is always there), pervasive (PD result in distress and impaired functioning when with others), and problematic (people with PD cause difficulties for themselves or others). Furthermore, people with personality disorders struggle with emotional regulation; they are self-centred, they have a fear of vulnerability, and all these factors lead to their impaired social skills. As a result, they lack empathy, which means they have difficulty or inability to understand and share the feelings of others. Consequently, their behaviour often leads to boundary violations.

If you encounter a person with a personality disorder, ensure you are clear about your boundaries, make them known and stick to them.

Childhood Issues

Sometimes, the root cause of the tendency to boundary violation can be traced back to childhood experiences. Early childhood is a critical period when we learn from our caregivers by observing their behaviours. A clear understanding of healthy boundaries might be difficult if a person grows up in a challenging or turbulent environment.

One possibility is that a person grew up in a household where boundaries around needs and feelings were nonexistent or ignored. This person might not have developed a solid foundation for recognising and implementing healthy boundaries. This can manifest in adult relationships as constantly pushing others’ limits simply because their caregivers never taught them how to respect these limits.

Therefore, it’s essential to consider the impact of the early years of the boundary crosser and, if possible, show compassion for them.

But remember, acknowledging a person’s childhood experiences and how they have influenced their behaviour doesn’t mean dwelling on the past, placing blame or excusing the behaviours. Instead, it’s an opportunity for the person to grow, learn, and form healthier relationships moving forward.

There are a few steps the boundary crosser could start addressing boundary issues:

Reflect on their past: Take some time to reconsider their childhood relationships and experiences. Identify any patterns and behaviours that may be influencing their present connections.

Educate themselves about healthier boundaries: They can learn more about respectful and supportive connections and their importance in successful relationships. Understanding this can help guide them in their interactions with others.

Seek professional help: Engaging with a therapist or counsellor can provide expert guidance and a safe space for them to explore and understand their past experiences. This would help them in their journey towards better self-awareness.

Manipulation 

The reality is that manipulation is subtle and can gradually erode a person’s boundaries. Therefore, you must always be vigilant and maintain your self-respect and dignity.

People manipulate others for various reasons, often stemming from personal needs or perceived deficiencies. As Psychology Today suggests, manipulation often arises when a person feels inadequate or disadvantaged and seeks to gain power, influence, or advantage.

Boundary violators can sometimes disguise manipulation as concern, affection, or even expert guidance. But when one person perpetually dictates another’s thoughts, feelings, or actions, that isn’t genuine care — this is someone who doesn’t respect boundaries. Manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting, guilt trips, or emotional blackmail, can lead a person to question their desires, needs, and worth, thus crossing their limits

But, hey, life’s all about learning and growth, isn’t it? If you even slightly suspect that you’re experiencing manipulation, there are steps you can take.

Trust your feelings: If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Honour those feelings; don’t let anyone convince you that your feelings are trivial or invalid.

Reassert your boundaries: It’s okay (and necessary) to say ‘no’. Regaining control of your limits shows the manipulator you are serious about them.

Seek support: Seek help from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional. They can provide invaluable perspective and emotional support.

Knowledge is power: Learning about manipulation techniques can help you identify them when they occur and equip you with the tools to navigate them.

Remember, you have power in these situations, and regaining control over your life is an empowering journey. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is always a work in progress, and you’re doing more brilliantly than you think. Always remember you deserve to be treated with kindness and equality. Setting boundaries is a pivotal part of this journey.

What are Common Examples of Boundary Violations?

We all have our personal space, time boundaries, our own way of doing things, thoughts, and values that we want to protect. However, overstepping our personal limits may come in many forms. Some of the most common boundary violations in relationships include:

Physical Boundary Violations:

Doing things to a person without their consent by:

• standing too close,
• unwanted touching,
• listening to someone’s phone calls or conversations,
• smoking near non-smokers.

Doing things to a person without their knowledge by:

• Going through or taking their belongings,
• Stocking them and pipping,
• Other ways of depriving them of their right to privacy.

Severe violations of a person’s boundaries include:

• Physical abuse (i.e. hitting, causing an injury, using physical violence, false imprisonment, inducing an illness or ill health, misusing medication),
• Sexual boundary violations (including physical and verbal sexual abuse).

Psychological/Emotional Boundary Violations:

Saying/doing things to people that discount their value by:

• Implying that someone is worthless, verbal abuse, mocking, patronising, criticising, judging, blaming, using sarcasm and offering unsolicited advice
• Lying or keeping secrets about significant things, silent treatment and otherwise broken communication to punish a person, and manipulating and controlling behaviours.

Depriving a person of freedom of choice by:

• Financial control, not respecting a person’s private time, not accepting no for an answer, imposing spiritual or religious beliefs, discounting somebody’s religious belief system or threatening with punishment from a Higher Power to manipulate another person’s thoughts or behaviours.

The Art of Setting Clear Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is essential for healthy relationships. Here are some tips for expressing your limits effectively:

Be direct, calm, and firm when stating your boundary. Don’t hint or beat around the bush. Say exactly what behaviour you will no longer accept in a polite yet resolute tone. Remaining calm avoids escalating the situation.

Use “I” statements to take ownership of your needs and establish boundaries first. Say, “I feel uncomfortable when you comment my appearance”, rather than “You’re so inappropriate.” This avoids judgment and blame.

Discuss your limits proactively before an issue occurs. Don’t wait until you’ve reached a breaking point. Have an open conversation about mutual needs early on.

You may need to repeat and reinforce your boundaries multiple times. Some people require more reminders to enforce boundaries than others. Be prepared to stand firm if someone “forgets” your boundary.

Make it clear there will be consequences for violating your boundaries, such as limiting contact. Then, be ready to follow through with set consequences. Don’t make empty threats or repeatedly issue warnings without action.

Don’t feel guilty. It is okay to assert yourself. Frame it as fulfilling your own needs. For example, say, “I need some alone time each day to recharge” rather than “You’re smothering me.”

With practice, setting boundaries gets easier. You have a right to stand up for your needs in relationships. Do so with self-respect, directness and care.

Responding to Boundary Violations

You must take action when someone repeatedly ignores or willfully violates your clearly communicated boundaries. Ignoring boundary violations or making excuses for the other person enables the behaviour to continue and often escalate. Here are some tips for responding effectively when someone disregards your set limits:

Don’t ignore or excuse boundary violations. Pretending not to notice or overlook disrespectful behaviour sends the message that you are willing to tolerate it. Take your feelings seriously and address each violation.

Calmly remind them of your limits. The first time someone crosses a line or violates boundaries, politely but firmly state your boundary again. Say something like, “Remember when we discussed that I’m not comfortable with you dropping by unannounced? I would appreciate it if you call before coming over next time.”

Refuse to engage if they protest or push back. If the person argues or tries to justify violating your boundary, restate this boundary kindly, but do not get pulled into a debate. Change the subject or walk away if needed.

Limit contact or end the relationship if necessary. If repeatedly reminding someone of your boundary doesn’t change their behaviour, you may have to limit contact, stop spending time together, or dissolve the relationship altogether for your well-being.

Seek support from others. Talk to trusted friends and family members who can provide perspective and emotional support. They may be able to help reinforce your boundaries with the other person.

Consider seeking professional support. If you are dealing with severe or persistent boundary violations, especially from a partner, family member, or someone you cannot easily avoid, seeking counselling can help give you tools and guidance to improve the situation or make a safe exit.

It Gets Easier

At first, saying no or making requests can feel uncomfortable, but you’ll become more confident in enforcing your boundaries over time. As you experience the benefits of setting healthy boundaries, you’ll be motivated to keep honing these skills.

Remember that you deserve relationships that make you feel secure, respected, and cared for. Don’t compromise your self-worth or well-being, even if it means disappointing others or having difficult conversations. You have every right to protect your emotional, physical, and mental space.

The more you assert your emotional self-care, the more natural it will feel. You’ll gain clarity on your needs and limits. It will get easier to recognise unhealthy dynamics and distance yourself from them. Stay consistent, take it one step at a time, and trust the process. With commitment and courage, you will transform your relationships and live freely within your personal limits.

What you need to know

In conclusion, having healthy boundaries and firmly yet respectfully enforcing them is key to healthy relationships and well-being. By now, you know there are many potential reasons someone may disrespect boundaries, ranging from innocent mistakes to more concerning motivations. Whatever the cause, identifying those violations and standing up for your needs is essential. Only you can do it.

In this article, we covered the most frequent examples of physical and emotional boundary violations involving doing things without a person’s consent and knowledge and causing physical and emotional harm, as well as denying a person their right to their own space, time and beliefs. While an occasional minor breach may occur unintentionally between close friends or romantic partners, chronic disregard for stated boundaries can seriously damage trust and self-worth.

The ability to articulate and establish clear boundaries is an essential aspect that allows you to express your wants and needs, prevent mistreatment or manipulation, identify unhealthy dynamics, and ultimately gain self-respect.

When violations inevitably happen, remain calm but firm in reiterating your limits, refusing to engage in debate, and enacting proportional consequences. With time and practice, boundary setting becomes easier and more intuitive. Remember that you deserve nourishing relationships that make you feel secure. Stay strong in voicing and defending your healthier boundaries.

May We Also Suggest

Setting healthy boundaries in your relationships is an ongoing journey. Here are some additional resources that may help:

Books

Articles